* STRESS RELIEF FOR WOMEN!
I have used this method of stress relief for years and it always works. It just takes three simple steps to get immediate relief!
Step 1. Go up to your source of stress and get a good grip on his balls.
Step 2. Squeeze hard!!
Step 3. Now SLOWLY count to 10 and then release his busted balls.
He will grab his aching balls and you will stand there with no more stress and a big smile on your face!
* The List of the Top Ten Uses for Dicks
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Sorry guys, My girlfriends and I couldn‘t think of one good use for a dick!
* Just to be "HONEST"! God, nowadays, this 6–letter word becomes so damn difficult for a man! You almost know they are lying whenever their lips twitch~~~
Even if they tried to speak "HONEST" and started with "HO~"already,
it turned out unexpectedly they uttered "HORNY"
* Why are men big?
What they lack in brains they make up for in body mass!
* How do we know Santa is a man?
Because he shows up late, eats your food, emptys his sack, comes only once, and leaves before you wake.
* PMS stands for Putting up with Men‘s Shit.
* Penis Request,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends or public holidays off
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of work
You do not always follow orders of the management team
You do not stay in your designated area and are often visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You will retire well before you are 65
You are unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
* If they can put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all?
* Some acronyms...
SLAVE - Superior Lady Acquiring Vast Empire
WINNER - Women Inevitably Negotiating New Empowered Roles
BITCH - Bright Individual That Controls Him
MALE - Men Are Losing Everywhere
WOMEN - We Outclass Men Each Night
GIRLS - Gifted Individuals Realizing Large Superiority
FUTURE - Females Understand They Ultimately Rule Everywhere
BABE - Body And Brain Excellence
DAME - Dominant Against Men Everywhere
HIS - Honors In Servitude
SHE - Soon His Emperor
LOVE - Lady Obtains Virtually Everything
WORSHIP - We Obey Ruling Sisters Having Intense Power
SHOPS - Smarter, Healthier, Obviously Prettier Sex
HIM - Held In Mercilessly
HER - His Eternal Ruler
GUY - Gender Under You
GAL - Goddess At Large
BOYS - Babes Obedient Young Slave
SKIRT - She Knows Its Ruling Time
BIKINI - Boys Instantly Kneel In Numerous Instances
MAN - Masters At Nothing
FIGURE - Females Inevitably Grab Up Rule Everywhere
WOMAN - Wiping Out Male Attitudes Now
WOMEN - Wiping Out Male Establishment Now
SIS - She Is Superior
MAJORITY - Men Are Just Objects, Really Inferior To You
HEART - Husbands Everywhere Are Really Toys
HANDSOME - He Attracts Numerous Dames, Stupefied Other Men Envious
COMB - Caressing Our Male Beauty
HUG - He's Utterly Gorgeous
MODEL - Male Object Deserving Excessive Love
HANDSOME - His Appearence Naturally Dictates Serious Ogling Must Erupt
HUNK - Hug, Unzip, Neck, Kiss
BEAUTY - Boys' Egos Are Useless To You
BREAST - Boys Rarely Emit A Serious Though
* Be Careful What You Wish For
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
*Types of Men
Joe Sensitive: "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus
"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and
watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy
"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot
"Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones
"Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak
"Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer
"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right
"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
* Perfect
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
* Santa is a Woman???
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of
Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there
would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
* If A man speaks in a forest, and there’s no woman around to hear him, is he still WRONG??
* Viagra Followup
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society....
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and
"little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
*15 Reasons Why Beer is Better than Men...
1. You can have more than one beer at a time.
2. You can get the size beer you want, even a long neck!
3. A beer won't give you whisker burns.
4. You can suck on one beer all night long if you want.
5. A beer doesn't have to be HARD to be good.
6. You don't have to finish a beer in 2 minutes, you can take as long as you want.
7. A beer doesn't expect you to be true while it runs around.
8. A beer satisfies you every time!
9. A beer is always there when YOU want it.
10. If you pour a beer correctly, you can have as big of a head as you want!
11. It takes a long time for a beer to go flat.
12. Even when you pop your beer's top, you can still have a long, stiff one.
13. Beers don't expect you to be faithful, and never ask, "Is there another beer?"
14. You can have a quick beer on your lunch hour.
15. If you want to change beer, you don't have to get a lawyer.
*A man found a Magic Lamp. The genie asks what he wishes for. The man asks to be irresistible to women, So the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
*There were 3 people on a crashing plane … the smartest man, the president and a little girl. There were 2 parachutes. The smart man said “The people who would do the world the most good should take one. Me being the smartest should live”. With that he took a bag and jumped. The president looked at the girl and said “You can have the other one,” with that the little girl replied “Its okay we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out w/ my back-pack.”
*A woman's brain cell went into a mans head. The brain cell looked around and the room was empty. “Where is everyone?” she asked. “Down here,” a voice replied.
*Men are like diapers in that they should be changed often and for the same reasons.
*What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
*What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
*How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to brag to about the screwing part.
*How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
*How do you keep your husband from reading your email? Name the mail folder “Instructions”.
*How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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