men r pigs

They all ask the same questions

2011-08-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

And there are 50 to choose from. And yet, here's what 95 percent of them send to me.

1. If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?

A) Stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B) Find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C) Strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event

2. Your idea of adventure is:

A) Whitewater rafting
B) Karaoke singing
C) Trying a different route to work
D) Ordering a dish you've never tried before

3. Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?

A) Attend a lecture on a topic that appeals to both of you
B) Go bargain hunting at a local flea market or antique shop
C) Go bowling
D) Visit a local comedy club

4. How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?

A) I am extremely comfortable talking about my innermost needs and desires.
B) With the exception of a couple areas, I'm comfortable being verbally intimate.
C) I'm still learning to be verbally intimate, but my skills are improving.
D) It's hard work for me to discuss my intimate feelings.

5. How often do you find yourself laughing?

A) I crack myself up!
B) I try to laugh all the time and get serious only when it's needed.
C) Most of my time is spent being serious but I like an occasional good laugh.
D) I'm generally a pretty serious person.

The Shopper / Racist

2011-08-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

He looks exactly like his picture, except that he has a huge red wound on his forehead an also on the bridge of his nose.

I can get past that. It will heal. But I think he's going to have to tell me the story.

He also has a giant pooch in his pleated pants, and not in a good way. He looks like he used to be gigantic and has now lost a buttload of weight.

But he's well dressed, down to his little Ralph Lauren Polo socks. He's polite; he shakes my hand when I introduce myself. He doesn't use obscenities. He opens the door for me when we leave.

We chit chat, mostly about him. And then he says, "I used to have an office in Orlando. But--and this is going to sound bad, but I don't mean it that way--there's so much DIVERSITY down there." He said "diversity" as though he was saying, there's so much CRIME down there."

Ack.

And, he's a shopper.

He says things like, "I'm picky," and "I'm very independent," and "I'm happy with it just being me."

And I'm thinking, "So what the fuck are you doing on eHarmony?"

He excused himself after an hour and said he had "an appointment."

Just before standing to go, he says, "Can I ... would you ... what if ..." So I said, "Sure, if you'd like to."

He's not interested.

He's waiting for the perfect girl.

He'll die waiting.

My first meeting on eHarmony

2011-08-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

I met "Dan" today. Dan picked the place to meet: a Starbucks in his neighborhood. No problem. He doesn't live that far from me.

He arrives a few minutes late. I am wearing a casual skirt and a nice top with flats. He is wearing a dirty visor, a faded aloha shirt, and wrinkled shorts.

I stand up to greet him, and the first thing he says to me is: "It wasn't that hard to find, was it?" As though we'd had a conversation prior where I expressed an inability to find my way around my own town. Perhaps he just thinks that women are unable to read a map or follow directions?

I wait for him to order himself something to drink. After several minutes, he sits down. He has a cup of hot water and a cup of yogurt. He sits down but immediately gets up and says, "I need cream."

He returns again and sits down. He starts talking. Well, let me rephrase: He starts his monologue. He starts talking about his job, his daughter, his Hawaii vacations, politics, a girl he met on eHarmony who told him she had a drug problem, whatever.

I listen. While I'm listening, he is talking and talking and talking and also simultaneously trying to open his yogurt. He finally gets the plastic lid off and jams his plastic spoon into the tray of granola at the top. Granola is jumping out of the tray and onto the table. He says, "What's wrong with this thing?" I replied, "That's the tray of granola on the top. You have to take that out first."

"Oh." He takes the tray out, puts it on the table, and then takes a big piece of granola in his fingers and pops it in his mouth. He begins talking again. I can see all the granola in his mouth while he talks. He takes a big bite of yogurt. The yogurt works like glue, causing the granola to stick to his lips as he talks, and some of it is falling from his mouth onto the table. It doesn't slow him down.

It looks a little like this 4-year-old child. He eats as though he's been on a desert island for a week.

I can no longer look at him.

I attempt to interject in the conversation several times, but when I begin talking during one of his pauses, he pretends as though my lips aren't moving and just continues his thought from 3 seconds ago.

Mercifully, he finishes his yogurt. There is yogurt and granola all over the table now. At this point, I feel I have listened adequately to his monologue and am looking for a way out. He pauses long enough for me to say, "Well, I'd better be going."

On the way out the door, he says, "I'm not very good at long-term relationships. I do this mostly to find people to go to dance clubs with. I'm looking for buddies."

I reply, "I have plenty of friends already. I'm looking for more."